"...and me"

Then there's "...and me". She's the philosophical part of Julie, which is me and I, am I sounding like a multi-personality? Well I'm not. I'm just trying to separate the different parts of my story.

Me...I came to fork in the road about 18 months ago. After a decade of living in a very emotionally distressed marriage I had two roads to go down. The one to the right ended a short ways off with a cliff of which if I jumped off would never come back, the left road was daunting to look at. It meant separation from my children, supporting myself, moving all the way across the country to my family so I could heal and move on with my life. There were distant mountains to cross that I could see but didn't look so daunting from this far back.

I obviously chose the left road. It took me a year of traveling down the right road. I stood at the precipice and tried to scale down the cliff, but in the end I couldn't go through with it. I made a u-turn and went down the left road.

This road has been difficult. I came out west to be where I grew up and gave me the hope of recovery. I've found out that most people judge. It doesn't matter how much I try to explain all the things I went through and was going to kill myself if I didn't get out. All people see is that I left and I chose to leave my children with their father. I did run into a man on the plane who I had a conversation with about why I was on the plane. He told me that I was brave to see that my children were better off without me at this time in life.

Here's my reason why...For one I don't think I'm crazy, but I am unstable in the realm of finance and places to live and figuring out a way to get stability. When I was eight my parents divorced and I didn't have a choice. I was the only girl and by golly (love that term) my mother was going to raise her only girl. Granted I was prayed for and my father had a vasectomy reversal so she could try to have her girl. During those next 10 years I had moved every other year and not because she married a person who was in the military but because she was still finding mr. right except that she married and divorced instead of just dated.

I had grown up with a knowledge that I was just baggage weighing her down. My brothers were older and getting married. My father married the wicked witch of the west who hated me. I didn't have a place where I fit in and felt loved. All I looked forward to was the fact that I would some day graduate and leave. And when that day came I was out of there in a blink of an eye. So having this knowledge I decided that it was better for me to leave the kids with the more stable parent who had family that actually helps out.

I know that anyone who is reading this is wondering what went on in my marriage that had me wanting to commit suicide yet leave the children with this kind of a man. Well maybe at some point I will tell all, but not now.

I left. I came out west. My family hasn't really been there for me. My parents understand more than my brothers do. I've been so lucky to find a roommate who is a social worker and helped me to see principle and values and how they work together. I've realized that most people have a skewed version of what principle is. A lot of people manipulate principle to entrap those who have good principles. You are all going "huh?" right now so forget it. I received therapy.

I ended getting a job at wal-mart and then found a job as a graphic designer for a print shop. I loved the design job so much that I quit wal-mart and am going to start up my photography business again with the help of the owner.

School found it's way to me. I started a bachelor's program in the graphic arts. So i figure that in a couple of years I can actually get a job and move out to be closer to my children. Or actually make enough money so that I can fly back there more often than I can right now making barely over minimum wage.

So this is my life in a very small nutshell. "...and me" is here along for the ride. I find so many times things that I'm searching for fall into my lap. So occasionally I will look at a particular ride with a different viewpoint.

Riding is passion of mine that keeps growing and morphing into something that keeps pushing me to the edge of endurance and focus. I will probably keep doing triathlons as well, but I want to push the distance on it all.

Enjoy...or be disgusted and closed minded...the choice is yours.